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Cardiac Surgeon, Generic University Medical Center, Division of Cardiac Surgery, Any City, Any State, USA


Generic University Medical Center, Division of Cardiac Surgery, is actively recruiting a cardiac surgeon with an academic appointment commensurate with experience.

As everyone knows, we've been recruiting forever. Our position is moribund, and we've recently decided it's pretty much dead. Nonetheless, we're giving it the old college try. We know football fans will appreciate our commitment, although we're obviously losers. Without explanation, people have simply quit our A-team, as well as our practice squad. Thus, we now ask that you forgive us for past transgressions. We're on a bumpy road to recovery. With each additional setback, we're committed to digging a little deeper, until we reach six feet.

The ideal candidate will have experience in minimally invasive cardiac surgery, including robotics, valve and coronary surgery, as well as TAVR. LVAD/MCS and transplant experience is preferred.

A robust academic environment within a unique Heart and Vascular Center exists for the qualified candidate with a desire to participate in collaborative clinical, educational, and research activities. Conflict instigation will not be tolerated. It undermines productivity, yielding negative RVUs. In this regard, slackers are unwelcome.

Successful candidates will be ABTS board-certified/board-eligible, and will have successfully completed an ACGME-approved surgery residency with three to five years post-training experience. A medical license is required, but will not be verified.

This is a last gasp effort to attract a qualified candidate. Consequently, the Division of Pulmonary, Allergy, and Critical Care Medicine is playing a major role in this recruitment effort. We concede ECMO may be required, although reimbursement could be an issue. Obamacare is no longer a refuge for extreme measures. However, by the same token, with Republicans rejecting the so-called Obamacare "death panels," we may have a future after all. Unfortunately, it's clear things could get trumped-up along the way.

With one exception, Generic University Medical Center is committed to affirmative action, equal opportunity, and the diversity of its workforce. The exception is as follows: dead-on-arrival (DOA) candidates are considered unacceptable, and will be rejected. However, as a show of good faith in our recruitment efforts, we will provide caskets for the deceased. Unfortunately, we are unable to offer a proper burial/funeral service, but all other benefits will accrue, including pallbearers upon request. In this regard, for a small fee, the Medical Center CEO, CFO, CMO, Director of Patient Experience, the University President, the Dean, the Division Chief, and assorted incompetent administrators and human resources representatives are available to provide a little heft to the lift off. Since you can't get us to where we want to be, we'll get you to where you're going. ■

Disclosure Statement: The author has no conflicts of interest to disclose.

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