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Quotable Quotes

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This month, all eyes are on CANADA ... so naturally, we decided to poke a little fun at our Canadian friends! Here's what comedian Jeff Foxworthy says about Canucks:

You might live in Canada if:

  • You've worn shorts and a parka at the same time
  • Your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May
  • Someone in a Home Depot offers you assistance ... and they don't work there
  • You've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number
  • "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Muncie for the weekend
  • You measure distance in hours
  • You know several people who have hit a deer more than once
  • You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again
  • You can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching
  • You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked
  • You carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them
  • You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
  • The speed limit on the highway is 80 km, you're going 90, and everybody is passing you
  • Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow
  • You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction
  • You have more miles on your snow blower than your car
  • You find 2 degrees "a little" chilly

From Canadian Jokes to Canadian Sarcasm:

When Vancouver hosted the 2010 Winter Olympics, some silly questions about Canada asked by people from all over the world were posted on an International Tourism Web site. Obviously the answers are not to be taken seriously, but the questions were indeed asked and are now another addition to the collection of Canadian jokes!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto. Can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only 4,000 miles, take lots of water.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.